Hope you remember her. The girl who loved you more than herself, the girl who made you her entire world beside of knowing that she is just an another contact in your phone whom you used to text whenever you get tired of your busy life.
May be she was good for your ego, maybe she was some kind of achievement or trophy to you about which you can brag about in front of your friends, maybe she was a placeholder, maybe you liked knowing someone will always answer regardless of the time and situation, may be you liked seeing someone try that hard for you, maybe…
Yes there is a whole sea of ‘maybe’ where she is standing right now drowning in her thoughts, questioning her own identity. And she is the only one to be blamed for this because she decided to continue swimming even after hearing the forecast of coming storm but her mistake was that she considered you as her life guard. How can you be so callous? You can also call her insane to do so just like everyone else is calling.Her friends shouted “Are you blind? He doesn’t love you and never will, why can’t you see what he is doing to you?” Little did they know she is not blind, in reality she is coward…coward enough to accept it.
When you entered her life, she was so terrified to let her guard off, she used to build some kind of wall around her so that no one could hurt her, you came and assured her you were there to help her out and slowly you broke that wall brick by brick and she started believing you were her savior.
She told you her darkest secrets and let you see her deepest wound. She told you she’s getting addicted to you, to your presence, to your company, your words and she doesn’t want this addiction to turn into love. She suggested that you guys should maintain some distance. But you denied and she trusted you and the timing of her life. You remained at the top of her chatting list. From sweet morning messages to good night text you used to share every tiny details about your day, you discussed new songs and the lyrics you loved the most, you two talked sweet nothings all day and all night. By holding your hand she let you in her life without realizing that you are slowly becoming her life. You should not have made her fall for you when you knew you aren’t going to catch her.
She tried her best to not fall for you but her destiny tried it’s best to make her do. You always said the right thing at right time…And one day she finally realized that you’re literally the person she always wanted and with this realization she switched on her self-destruction mode.
But soon you started changing and she remained there puzzled about your behavior. Your long texts got shorter by the second, Everything that previously you admired about her now irritated the hell out of you, you didn’t have time for her anymore and she started blaming herself pondering that she might have done something wrong, she kept waiting day and night to hear from you and you were too busy to hear her breaking down.
She kept losing herself every time you didn’t answer her call, every time you chose someone else over her, Whenever you cancelled plan when something better came along because you know she is always available, whenever you want her you can have her. She fought with everyone who told anything bad about you, losing her friendship she kept defending you just to be called a “fool” by the end of it all. Today she is feeling sick and really tired, tired of finding reasons behind everything just to stay with you. You made her believe that she could be ‘someone’s sometimes’ but could never be ‘someone’s forever’.
The journey of loving you was never easy for her, she kept giving up her self-respect because you are too firm to let your ego down. And finally the day came when her biggest fear turned to reality you decided to leave to her saying ” It’s my mistake, I am sorry”. You know what, your 6 words were enough to tear her apart in thousand pieces. Nothing can be worse than being called your lover’s mistake, that the best thing that ever happened to you is guilty for you. She is still wondered if it would have hurt less if you had just left without naming her pure love as some unforgivable sin of yours.
Every night she cried herself to sleep trying to figure out what went wrong, she still blamed herself for everything, she screamed why wasn’t she good enough, shouted your name out loud but you were nowhere to be seen. You have made a soul die. Yaa I agree she loved you, she still does but now it’s time for her to close this chapter and burn this entire book.
One thing I promise you, you’ll look for her in the people you love. One day she’ll be the one not answering, one day she’ll just scroll down your post and status because they’ll not matter then or maybe she doesn’t even have to do that because you’ll be in her block list. You’ll search for her hand whenever you feel lost. You’ll miss her voice when you badly want someone to hear you.
One day you’ll miss her, her text, her attention, her effort, the way she apologizes after every fight even if its not her mistake because for her there is no point in winning an argument over you, you will miss her care, her love because it’s rare what she has offered you and there is a lot of people like you and the day you’ll meet another you, you’ll want her the same way she did.
One day you’ll hear songs you used to like until you think of her when you hear them and then you will change it as fast as possible. You’ll regret everything and wish you could apologize. And that she’ll not be there looking at her phone screen for hours and hours, waiting for your one text to fix up everything. I promise you’ll realize it but that will be too late to do because till then she had unloved you with every fiber of her being.
She’ll walk by you not even noticing, holding the hand of and smiling with the man who’ll reciprocate her love. Because now she knows she deserves someone who won’t make her realize that she is a fool to care that much. She doesn’t deserve to cry herself to sleep. Now she’ll not settle for mediocre love, for one-night stands or friends with benefits. No not again. She’s worth so much more. She wants someone to love her the way she loved you.
She wants to be the reason for someone to want to be a better person, the best that they can ever be, someone who’ll miss her at 2’o clock in the afternoon not only at 2 in night, someone who doesn’t come with a tag ‘ you can love me but we’ll never be together’, someone who’ll directly come to her and say I love you and will always prove that he does, not someone who gives mixed signal and leaves her in the war between her heart and mind. Someone who’ll introduce her to his friends proudly as if she is the best thing ever happened to him not someone who doesn’t even recognize her name in front of people, someone who’ll want to be with her on Monday morning also not only on Friday nights., someone who’ll admire her soul not only her body. And now she knows you can never be that someone.
So losing you is not actually a loss for her, she had lost someone who shouldn’t be there in the first place but you have lost someone who has done everything to keep you in that place.
I’m sorry for your loss, my friend.