Not Today…

Sorry for being unfair to you, for not being able to love you back. I know you think I am too ignorant to notice your efforts, but that’s not true, I do notice everything. I am just unable to reciprocate it now. The fact is when you are already carrying the baggage of past you can’t plan your future. That’s exactly where I am now.
When I see you online at 2am I know you are waiting for me, but some of my not replied messages to someone stop me from texting you. And I just put my phone down as I don’t want to make a fool of myself again.
I know the songs you send to me are not merely music, the lyrics carry your feelings, but the same songs have been sent to me before, but now they only have tag of music. So instead of telling you the line I find the most beautiful of it, I reply with emoji.
When I tell you I can’t talk to you because of work, deep down I know that work is not so important and can be postponed, but it’s my first priority now as Lady Gaga once said your career will never wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.
The first time I met you, I too felt a different kind of connection, it seemed like our eyes and soul were having a long, deep conversation in that silence but I still hear the echo of my cry and scream on someone’s departure.
While passing me the coffee mug when you accidentally put your hand over mine, yes I felt the same spark as you did, but his fingers linger on my whole body and soul that make me leave yours as fast as I can.
Even after saying goodnight when you keep talking and finally we decide we should better sleep now, I know you wanted me to stop you, but I have literally begged someone to not leave but left disheartened and that feeling makes me type goodbye to you.
When you suddenly admit your feelings and try to cover it up with some stupid jokes, I pretend not to understand anything just because I don’t want to misinterpret anything as love as I have done before.
It’s not like I don’t trust you or I think everyone out there is same… It’s just that I have been there. I know how smoothly it starts and ends with devastation. I am full of insecurities now. ‘No’, the answer is no if you think it’s because of him. It’s neither about you. Its sounds cliché but yes ‘it’s not you it’s me’. I think there is no love left in me to give you now. And I know myself, I know the extent I loved…the extent I can love. So now I need to refill my soul with self-love. And please don’t try to fix me. I don’t want to become someone’s social work again. Don’t pity me or try making my life better, trust me this is the last thing I want you to do. I am not a victim or a helpless girl, I am just a human being trying to put my broken pieces back together. I want to pay attention to my needs now, things I am passionate about. I want to put myself first. I want to join that dance class again, which I left halfway, I want to start sharing feelings to my diary again, I want that job I always dreamed of , I want to publish my poems and this is a long list.
Today my company gives me more peace than others, my morning alarm sounds more pleasant to me than the notification tone of someone’s good morning message. I feel warmer when I take sips of tea than someone’s lips pressing against mine. Today the only person I can love and want to take care of is me. I want to heal completely, but I don’t want someone else to be with me in that process, I know it’s crazy but that’s how it is for me. I will accept your love the day I don’t need you rather I want you. But it will take time, maybe months, maybe years and it’s selfish to ask you to wait. So, I am setting you free. I believe if two souls are made for each other, they will find their way back. So, maybe someday we’ll meet again and I can look at you with the same love you look at me today and that day I promise, to hold your hand forever but not today…


27 thoughts on “Not Today…

  1. Some post i could connect with tbh.. I have been through this stage where i was too broken and would not allow people to enter in my life as the past would always keep coming back to me and i would be afraid that if i start trusting again I’ll be in the same place i was in before.. But then i realized that I’ve to change, i can’t live with these fears in my mind. I’ve to get out of this thing. Love again. Make new friends again. Maybe things will repeat and I’ll be more hurt in the coming future but i can’t stop loving, i shouldn’t change myself this is just the way i am.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah the most difficult and courageous thing to do after this stage is to come out of your shell again. It’s hard to continue your belief in love or even in humanity after witnessing something that bad. Glad that you didn’t give up and I am happy in a positive way that you can connect with my thoughts. 😘


  2. This is just not a good post… but the feeling of a heart wanting to talk, a heart wanting to express what its been goin’ thru.. an outflow of pent up feelings from the very core
    …beautifully expressed!
    A first time visitor to your blog and I’d say, never expected to read something so intense, deep and downright honest!
    Sometimes the best of thoughts do come out from the core of our hearts!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know how to thank you for your kind, affectionate words. I am really overwhelmed that you decipher depth of my writing. And welcome to my blog, keep reading and keep motivating. Nothing is more encouraging than people who understand the emotions behind your words. Thanks 💓

      Liked by 1 person

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