’11:11 p.m’ I watched the time and smirked, thinking of the naive people (including me) who believe in 11:11 wishes. Sitting with the piles of books in front me for an hour, I was gazing at them but hardly read anything. I lost the track and series of thoughts were at the door of my mind. After 4-5 useless attempts to concentrate, I shut my book as well as that door. I was well-aware of the reason why I couldn’t concentrate as that was the same reason behind every disturbance happening in my smooth life.
I put my phone out and opened WhatsApp to distract myself. You know, that’s really weird about social media when you actually want someone to talk, there will be no one. After few minutes of scrolling, I found myself opening the drive which I didn’t touch since days and after seeing two-three pics I realized I was making a blunder. That will push me down to the trench of pain, that I, somewhat, feel like I have made progress getting out of or worse, that will provoke me to take some stupid steps.
But I guess it’s too late to rectify my mistake still I thought it would be better if I fall asleep. But I couldn’t. Instead, I was having a conversation with my ceiling or you can say replaying the last conversation once I had with someone. I turned just to break the chain of memories. I was wondering how people say moving on is so easy and if so, why it’s not for me. Maybe because I am a Classic over thinker, but I was classic over lover too.
I put my earphone and played the first song I found online and tuned volume to max. This is not my type but I couldn’t risk listening to slow, soft songs, I knew where they will drag me to. I couldn’t tolerate the relentless music more than 5 mins. It’s 12:30 now and my situation was getting fester. I was in the midst of the hurricane of emotions. And then the worst part began, I started questioning myself, ‘why me? Am I really this bad to deserve this, what if…? My insecurities were constantly hitting me with the bullets of questions. When you don’t know whom to hate, you start hating yourself.
My conscience was enumerating the mistakes I had made, and I was not even in condition to present my side of story. Unlocking my phone, I dialed a number, that was of my best friend. But before it could ring, I disconnected. I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone now, not anymore, I didn’t want her to convince me anything which she was doing for a really long time, I remembered my decision to come out of it on my own. My brain took advantage of it and went to the memory lane to recall everything, some random conversations, his lame jokes, our songs, hollow promises. From the day we met to the day he left, everything was in front of my eyes, it seems like someone is compelling me to see a horror movie which ends with my death.
I was trying hard to stop it but couldn’t. It’s really unrealistic to believe, but when you go through an emotional breakdown, your body starts responding to it. I couldn’t catch my breath, digging my face deeper and deeper into my pillow to run away from my thoughts.
I was choking and that made me panic. I reached for the bottle near me and took a few sips of water, but I felt like I couldn’t swallow at all because of the heaviness in my chest and throat. I had no idea why I was feeling these physical abnormalities like I was physically fighting with someone.
Some poisonous gas seemed to be running through my veins, filling my chest and my brain. I tried to calm myself down with some pep talk but nothing worked and my restlessness kept getting worse. I wanted to scream, scream everything out, scream at everyone for putting me in that place, on myself for condoning their behaviour. Honestly speaking, I am really a cry baby, anything and everything makes me emotional, but after the day he finally left, I had not shed a single drop of tear. Surprisingly, now I wanted to cry but was unable to do or maybe I was crying without tears. I kept mumbling “it’s just about one night, you know you are stronger than this”.
I switched off my phone put it beneath my pillow to avoid calling anyone and went to balcony. Normally, if you ask me even to step down from my bed in dark, I’ll deny it at any cost. But that day I went to the balcony at around 1:30 alone. Maybe because the demons inside my head were more dangerous than the real ones. I sat on the floor there. It was a really chilled night, I could feel its intensity up to my soul. I had tried everything earlier but failed, so I allowed myself to bury in my own thoughts. Slowly, the tranquility that night was calming me down. I was not thinking anything, just sitting there blank, letting the darkness of night suppressing the darkness of my thoughts. I was feeling lighter.
Sometimes, when you are drowning, just flow along, keep your head above water, and the current will take you to the other side. I was there for 2 to 3 hrs I guess and came back and fell asleep. Next morning, a call wakes me up and I smile as I saw my wallpaper.
I didn’t. But of course I was caught by cold and mild fever though it’s worth it.